What’s Holding You Back?

Fear. It’s a four letter word. And sometimes, it belongs in that dreaded four letter word category—the thou shalt not say words that often slip through our lips before we can stop them.

In my case, fear is my obstacle. It’s the excuse I hide behind instead of standing strong when I need to. It’s the motivator behind my lack of social networking. It’s one of the greatest things behind what keeps me from being all I can be.

Then, the laziness sets in. The defeatist attitude. Fear is their boss and they earn every single one of their promotions, at least when I am their project. I let fear stop me from blogging the way I wanted to. I let fear impact my growth as a writer. I let laziness take over as I expect a publisher to fall in my lap instead of taking the time to research and find one. I let defeat keep me from the confidence that I am truly good enough, not matter what it is that I am doing.

Those little black clouds of self-doubt and loathing gather all too quickly when I’m having an off day, and sometimes, even when I’m not. And I let them win. Because feeling defeated is easier than feeling happy and confident. Because happy and confident is foreign. It’s like learning a foreign language, something I have to work extra hard out because well, it just doesn’t come naturally.

And I call myself a positive person. It’s so easy for me to see all the positives in everyone else’s lives, but mine?

SMH.

Today, this moment, this hour, I’m grabbing that old baseball bat, the one reserved for those daring enough to ask my daughter on a date, and holding it steady, keeping my eye on that ball of defeat so I can knock it out of the park. There is no room for defeat, or laziness, or self-doubt and loathing in this life. I am a child of God, blessed beyond compare by my Heavenly Father. If he can care for the birds, he can care for me. Isn’t that awesome?

Let FAITH replace the FEAR. And the rest will follow.

3 thoughts on “What’s Holding You Back?”

So, it’s not just me that suffers from this. And it’s not just me that feels the sting that any criticism of my work is representative of comprehensive failure. And it’s not just me that is avoiding preparing this work that I have right now, this instant, because I am petrified of getting that same criticism. And it’s not just me who spent his entire childhood being *told* that all they wanted was for him to do his best, but if that meant bringing home a C, well, that clearly wasn’t my best, now was it? And it’s not just me that looks at colleagues who say “Oh, it doesn’t bother me when clients scream at me like that” as though they are a form of alien life. And it’s not just me that has quit jobs, even whole countries, because the disappointment of superiors (regardless the viability of their expectations) became too much to bear, like this job and the screaming, perpetually-disappointed (who have gargantuan expectations they simply haven’t paid for) clients. And it’s not just me that has worked all through the night on too many occasions because he didn’t want to be seen to let anyone down, or because that same fear paralysed him until the very last minute. And it’s not just me that is avoiding doing what he should by scouring the internet for an understanding as to WHY he’s scouring the internets avoiding doing what he should. A man could get pretty f***in’ depressed at all this and really be convinced there was no point trying any more, no point holding onto hope that this next job is going to be better, is going to be more successful. Pretty depressed if he didn’t know he shared this problem with at least a hundred equally depressed people out there who suffered the same character failure as he.