My Necessaries

This week’s project from Just Be Enough was to share 10 things that you need to be enough. When I first saw the prompt last Monday, I was like “oh! I can do this!” but as the day neared, and time got away from me, or I turned my attention to other things (like writing! YAY!)  I started to wonder if I could think of 10 things I needed. I have plenty of ups and downs; times where I feel less than enough and need a little extra support and times when I feel really good in the skin I’m in and the role I play as a woman, a mom, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a wife.

On those days when I need a little extra, I know I can count on my best friend to cheer me up, offer me support, and also tell it like it is. She is not afraid to tell me when I’m “failing” and offers love and care to help me get back to that place I need to be to be able to do whatever is I need to do. She lends me her strength when I get exhausted dealing with the many moods of Jellybean, breaking up fights between Specter and Casanova, or when differences with GC get me down.

There aren’t enough words to even begin to explain what my stepsons do for me. They actually appreciate everything I do, right down to setting rules they don’t like but are happy to live with. Seeing them thrive and be happy for the first time in a long time–seeing them finally start opening up and be children, as they should be–that tells me I am enough.

So Item #1 that I need to be enough? My people. My husband, my kids, my friends, both online and off…

Item #2 is easy. I need to write to be enough. I lost my writing for a very long time. I don’t know how I survived. I need to write as much as I need lungs to breathe, or a heart to live. When I write that final word, seal that ending with a twist, I am enough. Even if days go by without a comment, I’m okay with that because writing meets my need to be enough.

So when I can’t write? If time is limited, my muse takes a vacation, or my kids won’t leave me alone? I’m all out of sorts.  I was born with a pen in one hand and an inkwell in the other. I need to write to be enough.

Item #3 is easy too. I need my God. He is the sole source of my strength. There is no way I could do this on my own. I tried for the longest time, and just kept failing, repeatedly. Once I waved the white flag and let God take over my life, He shows me on a regular basis that I am enough. I am loved. I am most definitely worth it. I mean how could I not be when He sacrificed His Son for me?

Item #4. Now it’s getting tricky. My life revolves around being a wife, mom, and writer. As I sit here thinking about the other areas of my life–the new ones–I start thinking about how different my life was before them. How lonely it was before I joined a bible study and made new friends that offer a new kind of support. Support for my spiritual as well as my emotional and physical. They have enriched my life in the short time I have known them.

I have come to realize I need them, too.

If I really looked hard enough, dissected the different areas of my life, I’m sure I could come up with 6 more things I need, but the bottom line is that the only thing I really need, no matter what, is faith. Faith in me because you know what? Even without anything else, even when I can’t find any immediate worldly support (because it happens), I am enough just having faith in me.

In the end, that’s all I need.

Wikipedia: write definition: to form (as characters or symbols) on a surface with an instrument (as a pen).


Mother’s Intuition

Two weeks ago I wrote a post about When Parenting Sucks and our parenting decision to put Jellybean in a mental health facility for a few days to have her evaluated. What you don’t know is that she was released that Friday, with the same dx and on the same meds (with the same dosages), as she was when she went in. What she came away with, however, was a greater appreciation for what she has, parents who care, and the priceless knowledge that neither there nor juvenile detention is the festival she thought it was (She’s never been to juvie, but her behavior and impulses to steal were leading her there).

Things have been 98% times better at home, especially since we let her start with a clean slate. This means I have my housework back because she “doesn’t do chores.” This means I have to listen to the sibling rivalry all day for the rest of the week since it’s Spring Break. This also means that she is much more pleasant at home, more respectful. I hope this is lasts.

Last Monday she returned to school and discovered that someone in our neighborhood found out where she’d spent her previous week. Tuesday, she made the very bad decision to blow it up and glamorize her situation by telling her friends that she did intend to kill herself and the many different ways she would do it. This earned her a trip to the counseling office, and after an in-school assessment, they determined that she was not safe, and required an outside assessment before she could return to school.

Back to the mental health facility she went. She cried when I left, and I bawled most of the way home, and most of the night. I didn’t feel like she needed to be there. Despite what she said, she is not suicidal, and she was wrong to glamorize it like that, but she didn’t deserve to be locked away like that only a few days after being released.

Wednesday morning I awoke to an email from my mom. It contained powerful information regarding anti-psychotic drugs used to treat disorders they weren’t designed to treat. One of these meds was Respirdol. She was on respirdol for most of 2010, but due to rapid weight gain (she went from 75 lbs in April to 120 in November) she was taken off and put on another drug from thesame family that isn’t supposed to cause weight gain.

I decided to visit and check out all the ins and outs of her meds. I mean, this kid’s just not right. It’s not normal to do these things, using suicide to get out of punishment or using it to gain temporary popularity.

What do you think I found?

Yep, that’s right. Both her meds carry severe side effects that include abnormal thoughts and suicidal thoughts/attempts. One of them also carries severe side effects of impulsiveness (which has been out of control in the past few months) and aggression (which is what started this whole thing anyway!).

I knew she didn’t belong in there! I knew it. What if the source of all her problems is an off dosage, or reaction to a medication?!?

I called and demanded her release, and she came home on Thursday. The extra two days she spent in didn’t have an adverse affect, but it all assured me that I am a good mom with maternal instincts. Perhaps I should listen to them more often.

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