The Why

This past week has been brutal. GC had major shoulder surgery. It was supposed to be an in and out procedure but ended up with a 3 night and 4 day stay in the hospital. At first, it was just supposed to be for observation since he was having issues keeping his O2 up. They discovered that his lungs had been scratched during intubation, creating the difficulty he had breathing. By Tuesday morning, after only one night in the hospital, he acquired pneumonia.

I was left adrift with 4 kids to tend to. Specter and Casanova aren’t easy by any means. In fact, Casanova is very much like Jellybean. Specter on the other hand has major anger issues, very quick to resort to physical and verbal abuse, especially towards his little sister. I knew they had issues due to the neglect and abuse from their other parents, but the depth of it blew me sideways.

GC worked long and late the weeks preceding his surgery. He rolled his eyes when I complained that he needed to be home earlier to help with the kids. His guilt over the boys’ situation (though he tried everything he could short of kidnapping) made him overly lenient on them, which only made things harder on me. In-home counseling started, improving not only my stress level, but also things in general around the house. Our relationships with each other as family members was refreshed, positive discipline techniques were started, a schedule was made that was easy and flexible to follow (which improved everything all around), and things began looking up. With GC home all the time during recovery, he is also getting a big taste of the dish I was served with the boys.

Last night, after dinner, Casanova joined GC and I at the table. He had taken his shirt off in preparation for bed and I noticed a little flab. My heart soared. You see, when those boys arrived at my home, they were underweight and malnourished. They lived under rules that were never enforced because their other parents stayed in bed all day. Specter took charge of Casanova, being an adult, when he should have been a child. These are just a few of the complications to adjusting to our way of life.

And today, I look back over the past few months since they’ve become a permanent part of our family. I remember what they were like when they first came and I can see how far they have come since. They have healthy weights, their behaviors are turning around, and overall, they are growing, all while being the children they were meant to be. I am validated and filled with pride as GC, stuck home for recovery, gets a first-hand view of what I’ve been dealing with (and managing!) while he was working.

Even though I tend to lose sight of myself from time to time, I am discovery the why. I knew that God had a plan for my life but I had a hard time grasping the why of all that has happened to me. I know His work in me is not finished, and the why is not complete, but I am finally beginning to see WHY I am who I am, WHY I do the things I do, and most of all, WHY I had to experience a lifetime filled with poop.

And in realizing the why comes a sense of peace with the past that I never experienced before. I know I can handle this and whatever else life throws my way. This is why, even when tears of frustration glide down my face, I can still say my house is full and my heart is overflowing. This is WHY at the end of the day I’m still standing.

This is WHY I am the mother, the wife, the daughter, the sister, the friend, the WOMAN I am. It’s nice to see the real ME shining through.