Please welcome the super funny Kimberly from All Work and No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something. I guarantee you will laugh your butt off today!
As the elevator door slowly slid open on the 7th floor, I took in a calming breath and confidently stepped out of the elevator. I walked right into my dream come true.
It was my first hospital rotation as a student nurse.
My new white sneakers squeaked from under me as I made my way to the nurse’s station. I slipped my fall jacket off to reveal a bright white uniform that was pressed to perfection. The pockets carried crisp new notepads and pens of every colour and cheat sheets to help me on my first day. The best part of the entire outfit was when I hung my burgundy stethoscope around my neck. I remember catching a glimpse of myself in the small mirror above the lockers and I will admit…
I looked like a fucking rock star.
I listened intently as I got report from the nurse I was following for the day. My patient was *Mr. Johnson, an elderly confused male who was admitted for dehydration.
“You probably want to give him a bath today. He can’t walk so you’ll have to wheel him to the shower on his commode (*a commode is a toilet seat on wheels). The shower’s at the end of the hall”, my nurse instructed.
And off I went.
I walked into his room and introduced myself in a bubbly manner
“Hi Mr. Johnson. My name is Kimberly. I’m your student nurse.”
“I don’t have a purse!”
“No, I’m your student nurse.”
“I told you. I don’t have one.”
“Mr. Johnson, I’m going to give you a shower this morning. I need you to help me get you onto this seat.”
“Yea. Yea. Go here go there. You all are so bossy.”
“Well, we don’t have to do this now if you don’t want to.”
“Cheese and rice. Let’s just get this out of the way.”
I slowly lowered the side rail and he swung his frail legs over the side. He shakily clutched my hands and pulled himself up. In one swift motion, he flopped his bare bottom on the seat.
“Ok, watch your feet Mr. Johnson”, I said as I manoeuvred the chair out of the room.
I felt so proud walking down the hall. I was only 10 minutes into my shift and I had my very first patient up and ready for a shower. All of my fellow classmates smiled and some gave me thumbs up. “I’m nailing this job” I thought…
That’s when the smell hit me.
I started getting this overpowering poop smell. It was as if someone had waved a dirty diaper right under my nose. As we walked further down the hall, the smell got more intense. I began gagging and holding my breath while simultaneously feeling sorry for that poor nurse who had to deal with that poop-tasrophe.
“Who’s shitting in the hallway?” yelled a nurse.
“There is shit all down the hallway!”
I turned around and saw a trail of poop behind us. I immediately looked down at my feet and sure enough I had walked my shoes, my bright new white shoes, right through it.
I had someone’s shit on my shoe.
On. My. Shoe.
I stood there in the middle of the hallway with vomit floating dangerously in the back of my throat. I wanted to kick my shoes off right that second. I felt so violated.
Then Mr. Johnson grumbled.
“I’ve never had a moving shit before.”
“A moving shit! My toilet has never moved while I was taking a shit.”
“Mr. Johnson, are you having a bowel movement?”
“A bowl of what? I’m taking a shit. Why would I be having a bowl of anything when I’m in the process of taking a shit?”
And that my friends was the first lesson I’ve ever learned as a nurse:
Don’t push a patient on a portable potty.