>Writers Workshop: Unconditional Love

>She is freshly 19, in love, and full of hope. He has a lot of pressure on him, since her whole family knows him. Their love gets lost amidst the bickering and arguing. They make up, make love, and a whole new brand of trouble begins.

It is in April that she discovers the reason behind her edginess, moody, unexplained exhaustion. It is in July that he finally tells her that he is falling in love again, but wants out, leaving her 5 months pregnant and alone.

Alone. The very thing she did not need to be. Alone leaves her wallowing in tears, seeking something or someone to hide her pain behind. Alone leaves her scared, feeling unloved, destitute, desperate.

Now, she will never be alone. A baby loves unconditionally. A baby will love her just because she exists. A baby will fill her heart with the love she craves. She embraces her baby, pouring all of her heart into this tiny being she only knows from the gentle kicks she feels from inside her belly. Her heart fills up, bursts, and fills up all over again. She is happy. She loves and finally, is loved in return.

October rolls around, she wakes in excruciating pain. She races to the bathroom with an urge to pee, only to feel such pressure that in her immature mind, she believed was the baby’s head, ready to be birthed right at that exact moment. She screams, wakes her parents, is rushed to the hospital. Beloved Son is born, eight weeks premature.

Her turmoil is not over yet. Things are not working as they should be.  A belt is placed around her waist, and a tiny heart lights up on the machine. Another beloved, waiting to be born. Her heart flutters, explodes, flutters again. She is ecstatic.

November ends her misery when the babies come home. Gone is her broken heart, the anguish of having had these precious babies, and having to leave them behind. Her heart bursts again and explodes from her chest. There is no containing it.

Four months, her heart worries. She wants these babies to have everything. Her heart tells her that they deserve more then she could ever give them. Her heart breaks over and over again as she wrestles with her choices. Her heart tells her that she cannot do it. She cannot walk away but yet, it also tells her that she must.

She sees their smiling faces, hears their soft giggles, watches their eyes fill with happy recognition when they see her. Her heart breaks again, and she knows she cannot do it. She is too selfish. She needs their love. She falls in love all over again with every little thing they do. She feels her heart swell with pride, overflow with joy, and burst with love. She knows what she should do. She just doesn’t have the strength to do it.

She calls her mom one afternoon, crying over the phone. She tells her where the babies are, and feels her heart shatter in her chest as she tells her mom “They are yours. This is what they need, what they deserve. I’m sorry to do it this way, but I can’t do it any other way. Please pick them up and love them for me.” Then she hangs up the phone. She feels the earth drop out from underneath her feet, and she falls to floor in heart-wrenching sobs.

ON THE WINGS OF A PRAYER

I set you free on the wings of a prayer
To fly through life in His tender care,

You’re free from the nest and the ties that are bound
Free from the pressures I carry around.

If I kept you I’d only be cutting your wings,
Not offering the chance a true family brings.

The decision I’ve made has my heart torn in two,
But I know what I’m doing is the best thing for you.

The sky is so vast, the mountains so high
Take wing and remember: I love you.

Goodbye.

–LISA BOTE-PHILLIPS 

 

Mama's Losin' It

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19 thoughts on “>Writers Workshop: Unconditional Love

  1. >I could only imagine how hard this is, and my imagination can never amount to the truth of the pain. This was so sad, and an extremely hard, heart wrenching decision. God bless all the mothers and children in this time and situation and that they get throuh it with strength. Great post. Its really eye opening.

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