From the Archives: Tale of the Sucky Vampire

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I will admit that I am a nocturnal creature. There’s just something about the night that enthralls me. As I get older though, nocturnal habits are beginning to create problems of their own.

I used to have this thing for vampires. Creatures of the night like me, the whole forbidden desires aspect, and that they kicked butt just held mucho appeal for me. Well, that, and aside from the red eyes, they are hella sexy too. Especially the vampires of late.

Today though, I would make a horrible vampire. Seriously. I’m not afraid to tell you why.

Here’s why The Drama Mama would make a sucky vampire (pun intended):

• I would starve to death and my death would bring disgrace to vampires everywhere. And it’s not a squeamish to blood thing, either. Blood I can handle. My disabling aspect is that I am blind as Stevie Wonder at night. I can have a floor free of debris and a chartered course after I turn out the lights and STILL stumble over my no-longer-sleeping husband in the bed, 8 feet off the ground. This does not bode well for my nocturnal adventures to find fresh meat.
• I would bring all the vampire hunters straight to the lair because of my not-so-subtle stomping. Seriously have you ever known a quiet deaf person?
• My immortal years would end in early demise because if I didn’t starve to death, my old joints would never move fast enough to avoid getting caught. That’s if I could haul my fat butt fast enough to catch something in the first place.
• I would disgust myself. I’m an Italian food lover, and anyone who knows anything about Italian food knows its heavy laden in the garlic. I wouldn’t be able to come or to go. I wouldn’t be able to stand my own flesh. Yet I would still eat that spaghetti.

The only thing that would make me stand out as a vampire is my aversion to sunlight. Really. I burn, not tan. It’s not pretty. So, I tend to avoid sunlight as much as possible, even though I have been told I sparkle.

So, tell me, what would make you a great or horrific vampire?

This week, one of the prompts asked us to go back in our archives and repost something from July 2011. This was posted July 5, 2011. This is the best post I had last summer I think–well that, and some eye candy, but we’ll revisit that one soon.

From the Poop Files: A Love Story

This was originally posted last year, and I thought it would be fun to bring it back. Enjoy!

Once upon a time, there was a girl. We shall call her Drama Mama.

She was floating along in life as a single mom to a gorgeous little girl called Jellybean.  She wasn’t lonely as her days were filled with hard work and keeping her daughter occupied. They were two peas in a pod who enjoyed their little life.

One day, Drama Mama was waiting at the local bus station to take the bus to work when she saw a friend of a friend parked in his taxicab at the local station.

The buses were running late as usual, and when he finished his phone call, she struck up a conversation with him, just to fill the time. He ended up offering Drama Mama a ride to work, no charge.

He asked her out on a date as he dropped her off. She gave it a quick thought, since she really wasn’t looking for a relationship and figured “Why not? I deserve dinner and a movie” so she said Yes.

From that moment on, every time she called to request a cab, his was the one that was waiting for her. They would talk about everything and nothing in particular. She would ride with him for a little while as he worked. Finally, the big date came.

Drama Mama gets all dressed up. He picks her up. They decide to see “The Village“. There’s popcorn. There’s large sodas. All the right stuff for a night at the movies.

Except there is one problem. Mr. Taxicab is the touchy-feely kind. He firmly plants his right arm across her shoulders, and his left hand on her thigh.

Throughout the ENTIRE movie. This is no joke.

She’s looking for an oxygen tank to rescue her and not finding one in sight. She fakes a headache at dinner, ordering nothing. He ordered his food though, and her silly old self just couldn’t stomach the date anymore and asked him to take her home.

And he did.

Two weeks later, he calls and asks for a second chance, promising to not be Mr. Space Invader. He kept his word.

Three months later, they were madly in love with each other.

Three years down the road, he changes her life completely.

They knew that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together from the moment they fell in love. February 2005, he pulled out an engagement ring, while they were stopped at a traffic light, on her birthday. He didn’t say a word, just looked at her. A simple “well, duh!” later, her ring finger was decorated with shiny new bling.

He may not have been who I was expecting, but he certainly has done everything in his power to make my dreams come true. He is my forever love. He is, and forever will be, my Knight in Shining Armor.

For better, for worse, through the uglies, and the beautiful, we are bound to each other for eternity. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.