PPD…I have some fabulous online friends who suffer from it. When I look back through the pages of time, I’m starting to think I suffered from PPD (post-partum depression) when I was 20. I know my life was hell back then, but…
I remember some friends coming to see me after I had the twins and crying my eyes out because I had no babies to show them. They were still in the hospital in the NICU. The downward spiral I had after that…giving the twins to my parents for adoption, hooking up with a guy I clearly knew was bad for me, getting chased out of town by his friends who wanted to fight me (I still don’t know what I did, but it was probably nothing), moving halfway across the country to run away from my pain, and ultimately, attempting suicide…obviously didn’t do anything to help me get out of the funk.
I had no self-esteem. I didn’t even feel like I was good enough to raise my own babies (though it was the best decision I made for them). I was ripe and open for whatever predators wanted (and they took, gladly).
Today as I write this, I’m wondering if my life would have taken a different course if anyone had noticed. I’d like to think some counseling would have had an affect (and it probably would have) if I’d actually gotten any. Maybe even some medication would have helped. I was stubborn as a teenager though, refusing counseling, and I know I wouldn’t have taken any medication, especially if they said there was something wrong with me.
I have four children now in my care, two of whom showed up just a couple of months ago (almost as if my twins returned to me). I am married, though not sure it’s as happily as I like to say it is. My self-esteem is much better than it ever has been.
Does it ever get better though? Will I always question, “Is this normal?” or “Why me?” for the rest of my life? Will I never be treated with the respect I desire from either my kids or my husband, even after I have removed the doormat on my forehead?
I’ve heard PPD is usually gone after the first year. I didn’t get it with any other children, but even so, I can’t help but wonder if I did have PPD when I was 19/20 and it went untreated, did it set the course for the rest of my life?
I’d like to get off now, please.
Please note this is not a self-diagnosis. It is merely questioning a bad period of my life . I have never been diagnosed with PPD or any other mental health disorder.
It definitely sounds like you were dealing with something, and how awful. Amazing how much easier it is to look back and see what we couldn’t – or wouldn’t – then.
Because I had undiagnosed and untreated PPD for so long after my son was born, I definitely think it has caused longer term issues. All I can say is that it’s not too late to talk to someone about it, even just to work through some of your own issues.
All you can do now is take a look at where you are and see if you need any help or need to make any adjustments. Sometimes I really wish I had been online more when my kids were babies- I think it would have changed how I handled things.